Wednesday, December 19, 2007
someone is dragging my feet in the dirt... and they're dragging me hard. it's not just one person but a lot of people are pulling me. kicking, screaming and crying... they're helping me get out of this mess... trying to get my mind right; thanks for helping.
barriers are up again; stronger then ever before. no body is getting in my head again.
was it worth anything...
Posted at 12/19/2007 7:21:46 am by Namae
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
"no I'm good..umm.. maybe more tissues..."
On the way home from Yorkdale I just started to cry on the train. When I sat down I was near the back of the train where the train operator sits. He can see me sitting from his window; he was facing me.
When I sat down I looked out the window and just started to cry and cry and cry... I just couldn't stop. I started to scramble though my purse to find tissues to wipe away all my tears. I was glad no one else was sitting in front or near me. I was sobbing pretty hard when the train operator saw me...
I had my face buried in my tissue when I heard him say something to me...
- are you ok? is there anything that i can do to help?
- haha, no i'm good...umm.. maybe more tissues... hahah
- a girl like you shouldn't be crying on the holidays
- oh hahah..goodness i know.. i know.. i just well..
- are you sure there isn't anything? would you like some water? some tissues right?
- yea, more tissues please..
- ok hold on, i'll get you some...
- it's sad to see a pretty girl like you cry on the holidays...
- ohh.. you're not helping me here...haha
from there i just started to really ball my eyes. just all my thoughts from over the years with things related to this just finally blew up. The train operator tried to cheer me up and tried to make me laugh.. he was really sweet. He was really genuine and I couldn't thank him enough for listening to me on the train... i really let it out and I hope he understood what I sad between the hard cries and sobs. Even if he didn't I was glad he was there to listen to me...
When I got off at my stop he went back to his booth.. he opened his window to see me go. I looked back and gave him a smile and waved.; he also smiled and waved back.... such a nice guy.
+++++++++++++++++++
i feel so slow about myself... empty, lonely, depressed... i don't know anymore. i don't know what to do...
Posted at 12/18/2007 11:05:59 pm by Namae
Monday, December 17, 2007
My mind is turning exactly what I told it not to be. I've told myself time and time again to NOT be The Way I Shouldn't Be but some how my mind follows what my heart thinks. It's getting me in nothing but trouble even though it's all up in my head. It's not effecting anyone else around me but my mind is just so persistent of thinking over The Problems.
I feel hesitant in talking to people, I want to share my thoughts but... these are the people I am having problems with. I pull out all the detail and talk vaguely about what might be my problem. I just want to lay it out on the line and not be judged, just get it all out of my system, let my mind be at ease... but then I know my heart will want to thwart the idea.
If I were to say how I really feel I think I would become miserable; yet that could be debatable by the outcome of what is said... I just have a feeling the issue will just blow up at me and the other person will think nothing of it.
You see: it's all in my head.
- What do you want? Someone more then just a friend?
- I can't...
- Why?
- Because things just never work out, I'm cursed
- No one can be cursed, maybe you're not trying hard enough?
- Trying hard enough?! For a girl who's liked so many, have had her
heart broken so many times. To give up her time and effort, to open
herself to them, to let herself open to them... Every time my heart
gets hurt it always becomes so much harder to move on and let someone
in. Then letting go over and over again, you just loose hope in people.
Is it wrong for me to shut out people? Is it wrong for me to just
accept the fact that everytime I find someone they aren't right for me?
I just don't want to keep doing this anymore...
- You're not the only one out there, one day he'll find you. Or he'll finally realize it's you.
Posted at 12/17/2007 6:56:39 am by Namae
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
3 grams? How much is that? Geez, my tea is a little bitter :(
It's morning and it's SO COLD OUT! Goodness grief!
I'll start off with a short entry and I'll keep is updated during the day with random thoughts here and there.
I brought in some jasmine tea and my tea pot into work today. This is exactly what the side of the box says to make the tea:
Take 3g of tea , pour boiling water, keep covered for about 5 min. then serve.
buhhaaa.. How much water do I put and how much is 3g?! hahha So my tea turned out really STRONG and a little bitter... oooooOOooo yea.
For breakfast I had smarties and caramilk... not such a good idea.
++++++++++
time is going by so fast
letting things pass
saying things i shouldn't
doing things i don't want to do
what am i going to do
why is it that i'm so afraid to say what i'm thinking
i'm afraid*
i don't want to be judged
why couldn't things be the way they were
how could things get this way
tell me what to do
what am i supposed to do about you
Posted at 11/6/2007 9:44:37 am by Namae
Monday, November 05, 2007
like reading a child's diary
"Sometimes words can't express how you feel, but then actions can't
always show how you feel... people say "words and feelings go hand in
hand", but when one side can't support the other there are problems.
what a strange world we live in, not the physical world but our mental
world; the world in our head. very confusing, sometimes its hard to
contemplate what we think from time to time. as for myself, my feelings
are quite redundant and i don't think i'll ever figure out why.
There
are many times when i felt like expressing my feelings, but i didn't
because i thought i knew the out come. and guess what? i was usually
85% right most of the time. maybe that's why i've learned to shut up
about my feelings and give advice to others... save others then
youself... there is definitely wrong with that, and i know it. i know
some people see it as unfathomable but what can they do, i can't always
reprogram my mind to adapt to what you think is right. i am not a
robot... but at times i do feel like one: built without feelings and
serve others."
So that was my very first blog entry, dated September 2, 2003. My how things have changed since that entry. It's interesting to think that four years ago I feel the same way I do now. But is that completely true? No. I've learned and grown from life experiences and developed a way to express and describe how i feel. Also I've picked up a few bad habits a long the way: I'm still trying to break the vices. Obviously it will take a while to get rid of, the only thing to worry about is how i'll do that. it's about me finding a way to thinking things though without loosing my mind.
Feelings are nothing but trouble, if only I could learn to let go of certain things...
Posted at 11/5/2007 12:37:58 pm by Namae
Thursday, November 01, 2007
I was going through my old blog entries and I started to read my entry on Feb.9, 2005
"lately i've been more reclusive with my thoughts (as i've told others
as well as them noticing) what is it with me this year? i seem to have
so much on my mind but where do i begin in telling someone? my thoughts
are like a run on sentence; i don't know where to stop. all thoughts
just go into each other while they are all separate ideas...
i
know i have close friends that i can tell them anything, but i don't
know... i can't tell them what i'm thinking. i somewhat feel
uncomfortable saying anything. it's like that mental shield is up and i
don't want anything to go in or out... i'm bothered...
i want
to tell others how i feel, but i just have the hardest time telling
them... i feel uncomfortable when i'm the one getting attention... i'm
actually not used to having close attention to myself... i don't know...
i
play the piano, read, sleep and write to get my mind off my thoughts...
but then i find that small point where i start to day dream about
everyone and everything; i just drift off into a world of possibilities
and wonder...but why?
so many things bother me, yet i can't
get them out...it's like i am playing a piano piece and i don't quite
get the dynamics and notes right...i have to keep on practicing to get
it right. maybe i need to figure out where the problem is starting,
where the pattern is so i know what's coming next... sometimes when i
speak to people, i think i'm not the best person on elaborating my
ideas. i don't speak as eloquent as others...
i'm grasping
the tune of life. how i will play it might be the most beautiful thing
you've ever heard, only if you help me play it..."
I'm glad I knew how to articulate my thoughts two years ago so well.... HAHAHAHA! Until I still have that problem of having a difficult time of discribing how i feel towards others. It's just in my nature, i keep my thoughts well hidden after a lot of personal events and i guess "traumas". I've developed a way to only let the closest of my friends into my world and how i feel. but they only know as much as i tell them; my actions and body language tell a different story. I believe there is a lot of miscommunication when i talk to people about what i'm thinking; it's not what it seems.
++++++++++
After my last blog a lot of things have happened to me, i've written them down in my journal lying around my room..
Good/bad/troubling/exciting/drama/scandalous/tearful good byes and hellos/money woes/money highs/sad/happy times... A lot has gone though the months: i'm not going to say it was a roller coaster but a journey with a lot of stops, turns and interesting people...
Days pass and I'm realizing more and more what I want and need. Before I used to be so lost in what I want, I used to say "I don't know" a lot when really deep down inside I knew exactly what I wanted, I was just afraid to say it or tell anyone. Sure I may play the "Dumb" card once in a while but hey that's just the way I am, it's a defense strategy I use to keep people out or when I'm just afraid they're getting too close to the truth..
I'm pretty happy where I am now, I know where I'd like to be later on in the future but I'm not rushing to get there right now. There are a few things/people in my life who need to be tweaked but i'm sure things will find a way to work themselves out.
i think my life is coming to another plateau, I've got to find a way to elevate and get to the next level...
+++++++++++++++++
My birthday is coming up! I'm going to turn 24! Wow... WOOOW! Gurl's gettin' old lemme tell you! hahahaha!
Hopefully this year's bday party will be fun... I don't know why I worry EVERY YEAR about my parties when they always turn out great. IMAGINE THIS YEAR IT'S THE SHITTIEST PARTY I THROW? HAHAHAHA! oh donna.. you silly ninny
Posted at 11/1/2007 5:27:32 pm by Namae
Saturday, January 27, 2007
i had some time on my hands and thought hey, maybe i should type up a few lines here and there. rather random but i thought this blog was really starting to go to waste.
it's cold, wet, freezing and grey outside. well this weather was bound to happen anyways it is winter in canada.
blah blah blah, i should be cleaning right now...
+++
"i can't keep you because you won't let me
you don't want me because i'm not right for you
but how am i to know that when you haven't told me so?
will you ever realize that we're bound together when we shouldn't be
i hide how i feel because it's not right
what are you thinking?
pushing the thoughts aside what feeling is there?
i can't decide..."
what was that person thinking?
Posted at 1/27/2007 4:16:02 pm by Namae
Thursday, October 05, 2006
step out into the sun and feel better
after work i went for a little walk, didn't go to the ravine though. i thought it'd be a little too wet to walk though considering it rained pretty hard yesterday.
i felt absolutely great going for that walk! i feel rejuvenated. i really should take more walks it really does help.
Anyway, i'll keep this short:
OK, ROB! I KNOW YOU READ MY POSTS AND SO I WANT TO SAY WORD UP HOMMIE! we most def gotta do the anime thing sometime alright! hahahaha!!
you did make me think last night, i guess i should show people how "extreamly good at drawing" i am ^_~ hahahah
oh, little note: have you been practicing THRILLER? AAAAAHHAHAH! yea yea, i'm doing flash dance ok... hahah!
Posted at 10/5/2006 3:19:26 pm by Namae
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
lately i can't quite put my finger on what's bugging me. maybe all the small things are adding up. some days i just want to scream while others i just want to sleep all day because i'm feeling rather depressed. is it the weather? is it my friends? is it work? is it family? what is it? i really don't know, maybe it's a combination of everyone and everything that's making me go mad.
i think i need more time to myself. i've been listening to a lot of sad songs at night, sometimes just crying the night away and it really gets my mind racing...
i sleep a lot when i'm depressed; lately i've been getting a lot of sleep.
Posted at 10/3/2006 10:09:14 pm by Namae
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
the night ends with laughter and rain...
Today started off ok. I had work at 7:30am till 4pm not such a bad shift really!
Last night i couldn't sleep much, i had so much playing in my mind. From friends, money, job, traveling, family, loosing weight, philippines, california, japan, sending mail, old friends, people from the past, people who bother me, weird things that have happend to me, unexplainable situations, sushi, clothing, shopping.. etc.. etc... blah blah blah.
it's crazy because i'd fall asleep for a couple hours wake up, think then go back to sleep. and that happend through out the night. rather annoying but i'm annoyed by a lot of things lately.
+++
today i ranted to a friend about how i thought some people can be very immature. then i was asked if i was growing more mature.
i guess i'm becoming more mature, but who am i to say that? other people around me should tell me.
+++
you know that feeling when someone shocks you and you can't even think of a word to say? speachless. you just stand there with a blank look on your face with absolutely no thought of describing how you feel. speachless.
well, i felt that recently. so strange more then anything else really. it's like watching something fall in front of your face and you can't stop it. once you see it fall you just look down where the remains are.
i think i can stop it, but when, how... why?
right when you think things are going so well on the outside, it could be falling apart inside. if only somethings were given a little more time and clarity. talk things out. as i've seen on other blog sites i see that quote but i always looked over it. and now i does show a some sense: it's the words you don't say that hurt the most.
+++
if only life were as easy as smiling...
Posted at 9/27/2006 11:00:41 pm by Namae
